Equanimity
Maintaining composure in calm surroundings is a little like being generous when you’re rich. Anyone can be magnanimous when their interests aren’t threatened or there is no provocation. The real test of equanimity is remaining who you want to be even when you have compelling reasons to be something else.
Life routinely gives us examples and object lessons. At a recent news conference announcing that the remains of murder victim Brooke Wilberger had been located, Cami Wilberger, Brooke’s mother, made the following statement: “Thank you for being so supportive over the last five and a half years. It’s been a long haul for all of us, but today we are grateful. At this time, we really feel gratitude, even to Mr. Courtney, who could see fit to tell us where he left Brooke.” As a parent and grandparent, I do not know that I could ever find the strength of character to express gratitude to someone who so maliciously harmed a family member. I pray I am never put to that test.
I know, however, that I will face smaller provocations. People often find reasons to be angry with their city government for reasons ranging from traffic tickets and water rates to land use decisions and animal regulation. Sometimes the passion associated with these disagreements seems disproportionate to harm, real or imagined. I know my reaction can make these situations worse or help resolve them. I also know what I do can be as dependent on how I’m feeling as on whatever an angry citizen might be saying to me.
I have tried to train myself over the years to delay my reaction when someone is angry or upset with me. Offering someone a cup of coffee or the chance to come into my office to explain the problem gives me some time and sometimes helps people feel more at ease. I freely confess that I still find ways to get mad at times when I probably shouldn’t, but I’m usually able to control myself enough that I don’t make a bad situation worse. Frequently, I find that the upset person in front of me will help find the solution once they have been shown some respect and courtesy.
I greatly appreciate the example of equanimity from people like the Wilberger family, who even in the worst of circumstances remain true to their beliefs and ideals. No one could blame them for being angry or vengeful, yet they chose a different course. I think their decision almost certainly yielded the most comfort and healing for the family, while also providing a great example for anyone paying attention.
Bill O'Brien said:
Oct 06, 09 at 2:39 pmI agree. The best example I can think of was the Old Amish community of Nickel Mines that embraced the family of the man who stormed a school, took hostages, shot and killed five girls before killing himself.
From Wikipedia: ” A Roberts family spokesman said an Amish neighbor comforted the Roberts family hours after the shooting and extended forgiveness to them.[19] Amish community members visited and comforted Roberts’ widow, parents, and parents-in-law. One Amish man held Roberts’ sobbing father in his arms, reportedly for as long as an hour, to comfort him.[20] The Amish have also set up a charitable fund for the family of the shooter.[21] About 30 members of the Amish community attended Roberts’ funeral,[20] and Marie Roberts, the widow of the killer, was one of the few outsiders invited to the funeral of one of the victims.[22] Marie Roberts wrote an open letter to her Amish neighbors thanking them for their forgiveness, grace, and mercy. She wrote, “Your love for our family has helped to provide the healing we so desperately need. Gifts you’ve given have touched our hearts in a way no words can describe. Your compassion has reached beyond our family, beyond our community, and is changing our world, and for this we sincerely thank you.”
Now that’s how it’s done!!!
Chris Workman said:
Oct 08, 09 at 2:45 pmI too agree with you, Wes. The Wilberger family has been a great example to each of us. I really appreciate your words and recognition that we all the the ability within is to control our emotions and not make bad situations worse.
Thanks again for all your posts!